Two Years ago ...

Two years ago today I was trying to console a very sad two year old little boy. I had been waiting for that moment for almost a year after seeing his sweet photo. I knew how excited I was to meet him but I never dreamed that he would be so unhappy to meet me. I was doing all I could to remember each moment of picking him up but it was all happening too quickly and before I knew it we were back at the motel. My dad and Tacia were amazing in helping me with him but I still felt so alone. I wanted my husband and Cade wanted the only caregivers he had ever known. We were both in the same boat ...

After a couple days it was very clear to me that this little man who was struggling to trust me was very sick. Of course I did not know why he had such a high fever but I trusted my intuition and that small still voice of the Lord and started him on antibiotics for a urinary tract infection. I would later find out that I was correct but the antibiotics that I had just weren't enough. Cade continued to be miserable for much of our time in China and I was not much better, I just didn't have the excuse of an infection to give me good reason. we had a few sweet moments of him smiling and after a few days he did begin to eat. When visiting his orphanage we saw how comfortable he was with his nanny and my heart broke for her as she said goodbye to him for the last time. He same along and liked the treats I had for him but knowing him the way I do now, I see how hollow he was at the time. He had checked out in order to cope with the trama he was going through.

Looking back today I wish that I could take back those moments and find myself. I wish that I could find a way inside myself to enjoy each second I was given when meeting my son. Of course God knows best and the truth is that I would not be meeting my son in those few days, it took him a year to finally show himself to us. I got to meet Cade slowly and in his time. I wouldn't change a minute of it now. My son loves his momma and I adore him. He kisses my hand like a little gentleman then kisses my nose. It is his "thing" and he knows it. He gets a big smile on his face afterwards and says, "I kiss you nose." I would have waited a lifetime to have a moment like that with him but he was open enough to choose to love us now. Thank you Lord ...